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Cayenne Report – Campus edition

INSIDE: Sam Houston St. coach predicts ‘moral victory’ versus Tigers … Miles’ fingers finally touch after months with clapping specialist … Was stadium expansion a covert fracking operation? … Hawthorne: ‘I’ve been blind since at least 1992’ … Peak inside Mike the Tiger suit reveals exhausted hamster on wheel … Report: TAF wants Tiger Stadium viewable from “mother (expletive) space” … Local dad sitting near student section says “earmuffs” NCAA record 437 times … PLUS: Should Kale Chips replace Tiger Dogs? Local Foodies weigh in!

This season, the home of LSU football will boast the first of a three-tiered sound controlling process to protect fans from long-term hearing loss. Step one is the installation of an acoustic dampening foam to be applied to most of the surfaces found in “Death Valley”—including but not limited to steps and ramps, goalposts and yard-markers, those volunteer boy scouts who help fans find their seats and even some slower-moving season ticket holders. “Septugenarians and over, mostly,” says Trey Moak, head of the university’s ticket office.

The result of a decades-long study into the effect the sounds of fans cheering inside Tiger Stadium can have on eardrums, scientists from the California Ear Institute moved swiftly this summer to ensure the necessary measures will be in place for this season’s home opener.

“At these levels the auditory reflex is damaged and any sound impulse cannot be carried from the cochlea to the cortex properly,” explained noted audiologist Dr. Edison McFeely. “Bottom line is Tiger Stadium is too dang loud.”

When asked for comment, Jordan Jeans, the president of Tiger Fans for Tiger Fans, said, “What?!?”

In a tailgating first, an ancient oak displayed a curious range of human properties, using its limbs as arms and its roots as feet to lift up and stomp on a fan that had carelessly dumped the contents of his ice chest at the tree’s base.

The man, 38-year-old Steven Pecue of Sorrento, survived what social media has already hashtagged #ArborAttack, but admits that the unexpected assault left him “disoriented and confused.”
Another unidentified eyewitness said it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen: “Seriously, bro! You had to be there.”

When questioned by LSUPD, the tree identified himself as Dendro Barker.

“I’m patient with people, okay?” Barker said in a statement released through his attorney. “But I’m not that patient. You know how many burls I’ve developed over the years because of these fans? Makes me long for my Civil War days as a sapling. I guess common courtesy is an uncommon thing.”

Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson is developing a six-part film series based on the incident.