|An open letter to MU and A&M|
Dear MU and A&M,
Welcome to the SEC!
I know this note already has more letters in it than you Aggies are used to reading, so I'll try to help.
Until now, you have both been part of something called the Big 12. Listen, we all feel big when we're 12—especially if we're really only 10. But then something happens to us called a “conference.”
A conference is when someone who's REALLY big, and in charge of school, humiliates us and reveals our shortcomings in front of our parents. That's pretty much what we think will happen to both of you in the SEC.
Missouri, you call yourself the “Show Me” state. Well, we intend to. You also call yourselves the Tigers, which we find adorable. Like when a toddler asks us to feel his gwate big bicep muscle. But what's with this debate about how to pronounce your own name? Are you the University of “miz-oor-EE” or the University of “miz-URR-UH”? We think after a few seasons in the SEC you'll settle on “MIZ-uh-ree.”
A&M, you come to us after years of unfair persecution. Despite boasting some of the smartest scholars in the country, you have long been the butt of cruel and insensitive jokes about how dumb you are. That reminds me, did you hear about the Aggie who locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour to get his wife and kids out. As hilarious and satisfying as these jabs have been, we want to assure you that we know the stereotype of the “Dumb Aggie” is a myth, like unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster or defense in the Big 12.
As a football team, you've battled this stereotype and demonstrated your wisdom well. For example, every time you face the Texas Longhorns, you lie down and play dead. That's the kind of smart thinking that will cause your reputation as “less than bright” to go the way of the dinosaurs. Those were a bunch of giant lizards that lived a long, long time ago. Like Barney.
In closing, while we embrace you as worthy adversaries* and welcome you with sportsmanship and hospitality, there are certain truths that can't be denied: 10 will never be 12. Columbia, Mo., will never be in the East. They don't sell M&Ms at Aggie games because they're too hard to peel. And this conference will crush you.
But seriously, welcome to the SEC!
But seriously, this conference will crush you.
The Tiger Nation
*Adversary means opponent. Still too many syllables? Um, rival? Oh, got it. Foe.
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